The Top 10 Things I Would Buy With My Funding…If I Could

Micropipettes, whiskey, and donkeys, oh my!


In the spirit of the season and giving, let’s talk a little bit about funding.

There are people out there who are willing to fork over thousands of dollars for anyone willing to do research. I’ve learned recently that if you’re an undergraduate dumb enough to do a thesis, the amount of financial resources out there is overwhelming. I spent my entire fall semester writing proposals and applying for grants and walked away with thousands of dollars for my research.


For the first time in life I feel…RICH BITCH! Kidding…a genetics project is expensive, but for some lightheartedness – this is a list of ten things I’d buy with my funding, for the lab, of course, if I could.


1. The biggest pack of googly eyes possible.


Guys, let’s face it. Everything suddenly becomes funnier with a pair of googly eyes. I actually feel like I might have company on those long nights waiting for samples to process.

     2. A lab donkey.


Enough said. Do you know that you can give a perfectly good donkey a home for as little as $200? There are donkeys out there that need homes. This goes back to those times in the lab where you just need to hug something warm and furry. Plus someone else can finally be called the biggest asshole in the lab. His name is going to be Max. As in gluteus maximus.

     3. Drone shipping for my primers.


I have been waiting for my primers for entirely too long. I can’t science without them. This is why I have enough time to actually write this blog post.

     4. A tuxedo for Max the lab donkey.


What is Max supposed to wear when we go to conferences? He’s a part of the team now. We can’t just leave him naked in the lab all the time. Do they make donkey tuxes?

     5. DJ Roomba from Parks and Rec.


Not only will we have music while we work, but someone to clean who isn’t us. Win win.

    6. A “water” dispenser.


Channeling my inner Hemingway may be necessary if I’m going to crack out an entire thesis by April. Sorry for drinking the devil’s water, Nana.

    7. A pizza dispensing machine.


   Because pizza. And whiskey.

8. Ping pong door.


Because all those pizza and whiskey calories need to be worked off somehow. All major decisions in the lab will now be made by ping pong tournament results.

    9. A hammock for this weird beam in our lab.


Prime time for taking naps during PCR’s. Thanks to Bri the lovely model (who consequently lost her foot in a terrible Photoshop accident).

    10. A tracker for our advisor.


They’re either never around when you need them or around when you’re trying to hide something or hide from them. There’s no in between. He wears the same shoes every day, if only we could find a way to hide it…

Well that’s it folks – the ten things I’d currently buy with my funding if I were allowed to. Special thanks to everyone in our lab for help with this list – they helped come up with a few creative answers. We definitely have some ideas…

–The Girl with the Big Bass

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